Hi, I’m a bartender. I tend bar. You might also know me as such things as; mixologist, mixolcologist, alchologist, egoalotogist, liquid chef or petroleum titillation distribution technician. You can tell I have mastered the lofty heights of this lost martial art by my incredibly stupid shake, my collection of waistcoats and my cocktail menu that reads like a passage from Fifty Shades of Grey;

“wrapped in the moist bounds of a mature rye, the musk notes enshrined with a voluptuous throb of citrus before finishing with a final thrust of Bitter Truth.”

[Image: Apple juice spherification…thanks but I’ll just have a tap water.]

Sound familiar? So here’s my question, are we taking ourselves just a little too seriously?

In an industry driven by the need to infuse bacon into whiskey (honestly, has this ever worked?) and a near erotic infatuation the words”roto-evaporator”, I feel we might have lost grip somewhere in between the film Cocktail and being served deconstructed gin & tonic toothpaste in a sky top hotel bar. I mean, we all admit that Tom Cruise badly throwing near empty bottles of vodka into grenadine enriched glasses of concentrated orange juice, probably didn’t represent the pinnacle of cocktail making. But we all loved the film when it came out and people are still comparing us to that twa*. So respect were respects due, what the 80′s American cocktail may have lacked in fresh fruit, more than delivered on fun.

Thanks to global giants like Diageo, Bacardi Brown-Forman, Beam-Suntory and Pernod Ricard (to name a few), our jobs are enlivened with a brilliant degree of egotistical bribery which in all honesty, I hope never stops. Distillery trips, free booze, blending sessions, dipping sessions, free booze, barrel sponsorship, nationwide press and free booze all feed the need. Of all of these though, little is more effective than cocktail competitions and the possibility to look better in front of a crowd of pears than that arrogant douche from the bar down the street. Pride means all.

As an old hat who has entered more than his fair share of cocktail competitions, know that no matter how charming you are or creative your drink, you will NEVER look better behind a bar than a female. They’re just too damn attractive. Secondly, they’re smarter, can multi-task, are humble and yet often more competitive than most blokes. Additionally, when it comes to comps there are a few unwritten rules;

1. Always ensure that you can taste the sponsored spirit
2. Never add competitor brands when you can plug others from the same portfolio
3. Learn your brand nuggets
4. Have fun
5. KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID

The latter I’ve broken in every single comp I’ve been in simply because I’m a slow learner – but I’ve always had fun. Tricks like leather and tobacco infusions, smokes, ice luge’s, freeze-dried fruit, blazers, foams and midget albino mud-guppy fillets macerated into tequila and filtered through an armchair cushion – are all victim to over complicated competition recipes. And would a consumer ever wish to order one?

Honestly – what’s not to like?

Lets look at a more simple argument; what is your most frequently enjoyed drink? I, like my fellow colleagues of equal guilt, drink beer 90% of the time. And yet I don’t have a selection of beers fermented with elephant poo coffee beans or smoked goats brain (these are real products by the way), it’s a fresh IPA or lager every time.

Here’s another argument – What are the drinks that have stood the test of time? Old Fashioned, Julep, Sidecar, Sour, Fizz… three core ingredients each of which many of today’s most popular drinks are but derivatives with a different glass, ice or spirit.

So answer time. Are cocktails today too wanky for their own good? Most probably. Will I stop trying to make chicken stock work in a winter punch? Probably not. Like I said I’m a slow learner, but like the drinks of the 80s I’m sure we could all take ourselves a little less seriously. Don’t pack a sad the next time you come second to the arrogant douche down the street and don’t get defensive when someone else lists your drink on their menu, be proud on both counts but above all – HAVE FUN.

So hire more females, keep drinking beer and if you find a way to successfully mix chicken fat into red wine – do let me know (not suitable for vegetarians).

This was the Musings of a Barfly by: Rusty Hawthorn

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