drinking-with-men-md.png



It's funny how we put labels on ourselves in society.  For me, identifying as a woman has always been and always will be important to me.  I'm a woman before anything else. Some people identify with their race or nationality, or their job title, or even their marital status.  In fact, people are proud to label themselves by their hobbies, "avid golfer" or "bacon lover." But "drinker" or "bar regular" has negative connotations.  Add to that "woman" and you've got yourself a taboo.  A woman who frequents a bar must have a problem.  But what if bars were thought of as communities where bar patrons and bartenders were seen as friends who were there with you through life's ups and downs?

This sense of community is no more evident than in Rosie Schaap's Drinking With Men.  This is not a book about booze, it's a book about relationships, and to say that I absolutely loved it is an understatement.  


The Third Place

Let's face it, we need another place to go besides home and work.  This is where the "third place" comes into play.  The third place is the concept from sociologist Roy Oldenburg that states that as a society we need a gathering place in our lives besides home and work.  For Schaap, that important third place will always be a bar.  

Some non-believers (and hell, probably me a few years ago) might say that bars are not designated to be your third place.  A church? Yes. A barbershop? Sure.  But a bar, where people overindulge and often say/do embarrassing things? No! However, as you read Drinking With Men, you begin to see that bars were the pillars in Schaap's life. Each chapter is broken up by a bar Schaap used to consider herself a regular.  However, you soon realize that while the chapters may include the bars' names and locations, they have less to do about the bar and more about a life event. These bars marked milestones in Schaap's life and the friendship and community she found within them helped her get through trying times and helped her grow as a person.  

A Woman Walks Into A Bar...Alone

It's no secret that I have a lot of guy friends.  And why?  Probably because I am a rare woman that drinks. In a bar. Sometimes alone.  The first time I drank in a bar alone was frustrating.  I was judging myself for doing it, "God, what a lush I must be" and I was also hit on. No, I don't judge myself any longer. Yes, I still get hit on if I'm by myself, but I've learned how to steer the conversation towards something more friendly with no hurt feelings and continue on my drinking way.

If you are like me, then reading Drinking With Men is a must for all you ladies.  Schaap truly says it best,"Being a woman at home in bar culture is a way of figuring out who you are, and getting comfortable with her. It's an assertion of independence." That said, I often found myself nodding as Schaap described how it feels to be the only woman in the bar. Or how it feels to later be called one of the guys.  I understood what it feels like to keep yourself occupied at the bar alone because at first you feel out of place (for her it was college papers she needed to grade, for me, it's a book). As a fellow New Yorker, it's funny how we can do so many activities by ourselves and embrace our alone time, but when it comes to bars (especially as a woman) we feel a little out of place. 

From Dublin to Montreal

As I mentioned, the book itself is sectioned off (or at least subtitled) by bars, but really those are life events for Schaap. We follow her as she drops out of high school and travels the West Coast as a Deadhead. We are with her as her heart is broken in Dublin. And eavesdrop on the conversations she has while in college at her neighborhood bar in North Bennington, VT. From hippies to poets to artists and New Yorkers, we meet the people that were significant in her life.  

Schaap's affection for a deceased bar owner in Montreal, Else, whom she never met and only visited the bar on a vacation, actually made me cry. But that probably had more to do with where Schaap was in her life and the questions she was asking herself about where and who she wanted to be.  And that's just it.  I cried at the deceased bar owner, because I understood what that woman (or that idea) meant to Schaap. That to me, is the sign of a great book. It's hard to relate to what one person finds special because it's so unique to that person.  However, as I teared up at the end of that chapter in Montreal, the wholeness of the book started to come to me.  Again, it's not about bars or drinking, it's about life, people and community.  

Welcome to the Community

You'll probably find yourself nodding, laughing, and maybe even crying along to this book.  And, hopefully you'll find yourself wanting to be a part of the great community of friends, storytellers and truly unique people.  Because who you are at a bar, I believe, is your most free and independent self where..."you’re happy to discuss anything, really, and to hear stories about anything, because you know that people are endlessly interesting...they all have stories, and because liquor loosens tongues and if you are paying attention and taking people seriously, you might just stand to learn something."
So, if you are looking for a place with unique people who can listen and a chance to be yourself (away from work and home) you'll probably find yourself quite happy at a bar. I know I do.  

If you'd like to read Drinking With Men (please do and share with me your thoughts) you can purchase it on Amazon. You can also learn more about Rosie Schaap, and where she'll be reading excepts of her amazing book, on her website.