Taste-testing 10 of the cheapest well liquors in the world
Contributed by on Jan 28, 2014
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At some point, you've consumed Old Crow, Monarch Gin, or Popov... and maybe you didn't even didn't know it.
Before they were made fancy by someone trying to sell suspenders, cocktails were originally invented to mask crappy liquor, and you've no doubt ordered a screwdriver without specifying Stoli. Mainly because you were in college.
But what do these wonders of the well taste like solo? In the interest of science -- and of learning what that Smelly Jim dude in the alley keeps raving about -- we reached low to sample a bar's worth of bottom-shelf liquor, to find out what was the best of the worst. Then we assigned each a 1-to-10 "Gag Rating" (1 is drinkable, 10 is vomit-by-smelling-it gross), plus gave some tips on how to improve it towards potability. Then we picked a winner. Then we sampled an awful lot of Tums.
Old Crow Kentucky Straight Bourbon
The well whiskey of choice at many a bar and not just what Cheryl's kids call her, Old Crow's scent immediately gets the stomach prophetically gurgling its discontent. It's surprisingly mellow, with minimal burn, and a tongue-coating caramel flavor that helps the stomach percolation simmer a little while, resulting in a sweet/brutal aftertaste.
Gag Rating: 4
How to make it better: The pickleback is your best friend here... and the only way to prevent yourself from tasting Old Crow every time you burp for the next fortnight.
Popov
Strangely, this stuff's British in origin, though it's straight-up Mother Russia in its packaging and its ability to get the Tetris theme in your head. So what does it taste like? A lot like the packaging -- apparently the low-grade alcohol in the concoction peels the taste off plastic. Otherwise, it's fairly clean and unoffensive.
Gag Rating: 3
How to make it better: Dump it in some OJ and call it a decent 10am.
Monarch Gin
This bottom-dwelling old-man gin kind of tastes like the Popov... after it finished an epic makeout session with a pine tree. Still, the floral action does a nice job of masking the grain-alcohol sucker punch.
Gag Rating: 6
How to make it better: Heed Snoop's advice -- just dump it in some juice and drink it as fast as you can, making sure to avoid sharing with people who ain't chipped in.
