This is about how Tom Cruise and Tom Selleck helped me get behind the bar.

Fourteen years after my first bartending interview (read previous post) I found myself again in a similar situation. I had just finished a seasonal job with the forest service and had no intention of returning. The fancy piece of paper I now carried with me announced that I was a Master of Fine Art. I had, however, previously defaced it in a fit of pity party rage.

courtesy of the artist

In Missoula, Montana, my degree was as useless as my Bartending Academy card. Not because I had varnished it with red marker, but because every other person in Missoula either has a master’s degree, is getting a master’s, or is too smart to attempt to get one.

So I was twenty-one again, fourteen years later, this time feeling the world was beating me… so I responded to a craigslist ad to become a bartender at an upscale bar and restaurant called Plonk which was opening soon.

The only experience I had in a restaurant was about six months of working as a soda jerk at a 50’s diner in a mall in 1998. With that being my sole pertinent job experience within a resumé brimming with US Forest Service (un)achievements and art (over)embellishments, I decided it would be in my best interest not to submit one- which would be difficult considering the application process was an online submission of just two requested documents- a cover letter and a resumé.

I knew there were going to be a ton of people submitting applications and I assumed every single one of them had more experience than myself. I had absolutely nothing to lose. I needed my cover letter to be noticed and remembered out of possibly hundreds of other cover letters. Abandoning almost everything I had ever been taught about applying for a job, I dropped the humdrum usual verbiage and opened with this…

Hello,

I realize this is, at best, a shot in the dark at getting an interview at Plonk. My last job in the service industry was over 10 years ago- I was a Soda Jerk- a damn good one though- I played the part- I wore thick black glasses and paper hat- I spun towels on my fingers and flipped scoops of ice cream into soda like no other- I wowed the customers. Have you ever seen Cocktail? Yeah, that’s what I was, but in the much lesser known soda jerk world. And when I wasn’t soda jerking, I was bussing tables like a true champion- moving used plate and glassware into my black moving bin with quiet authority- I was the invisible busser- the best kind.

There was one and a half pages of this bullshit. The rest of the letter followed suit with some honest to god sincerity spread on like cream cheese on toast.

I hoped this was just enough to catch their attention and call me back. At the very least, just to find out what kind of moron I was, and then I could sweet talk them about the missing resumé. I went to upload it onto their website. NOT ACCEPTED. TWO DOCUMENTS NEEDED. The page would not let me submit only a cover letter. Shit. Shit shit shit. My heart dropped slightly when I realized I had spent the entire morning writing a cover letter that would never be seen.

I thought… All I needed was another attachment to upload- it didn’t necessarily have to be a resumé- the upload page didn’t know the difference. I decided to find a headshot of myself- you know, like actors do- why not? I began scouring through my photos looking for the perfect shot when one stopped me in my tracks. It was a photo of my smiling face poorly photoshopped onto Tom Selleck’s body while he was hosing himself down with a garden hose. (you know, the typical stuff we all have in our photo collections) But I realized my face was like every other asshole’s on the street and it would be pointless and forgotten instantly- but Tom Selleck’s face- his face was unforgettable- his mustache had more physique and command than I had in my entire body. His mustache had a better smile than my mouth. I needed a picture of Tom Selleck and I knew just where to get it. With all my free time being unemployed I had stumbled onto a Tom Selleckish website- selleckwaterfallsandwiches.com ( now defunct, sorry). I went there and found exactly what I was looking for. The future opened up for me once more and I uploaded my cover letter along with this image…

used without permission, selleckwaterfallsandwiches.com

The rest, as they say in fairytales, is history. I could bore you with the details, but this damn post is long enough already. In short, the king emailed me back. He said that I wasn’t the prettiest or most polished princess out there, but perhaps I had something to offer. He would take a chance. And he did. By golly, he did.

POST SCRIPT…

I apologize. I tempted you into my colorful van with promises of candy and nicotine. All I actually had to offer you was a box of saltine crackers and no water. I did not mention Tom Cruise once throughout this saga. I dropped his name up top just to get you to read this post. It wasn’t blindly dropped though, I did mention his movie Cocktail. And Tom Selleck? Well, he himself wasn’t actually present in the story, but does he have to be? I mean, he’s Tom Selleck. He follows his own rules of time and space. And one last thing- I do not regret defacing my diploma. That is how I felt when I did it. The diploma itself now, is probably the most honest piece of art I have ever made. I am proud to have attended Cranbrook and I hold my experience there in the highest regard.